if that " new settings" screen pops up one more time I'm going to shoot something. I've tried to change my settings and it wont let me...it's ridiculous. and I've tried the " remind me later, but evidently " later" is every time i refresh the page or come back to the home page. grrrrr
He's moving to Texas. ... TEXAS! why? .. hell if i know.. why did he choose 2 nights after we nearly had sex to tell me this? i have no fucking clue... and is he for serious? I have no clue. This could be like the time he told me he had made plans and arrangements to leave from here and go finish school in England. Which he never did.. nor do i think he intended to. and i do care. I DON'T KNOW WHY.... i just do. I know 4 things about him right now.
1. I care far to much about him
2. i do not love him
3. he doesn't care about me
4. i really want him to.
But last night something changed, and i don't mean like, i think something changed i mean i actually had a physical sensation in my head and something changed. I'm an adult. I can make adult decisions. Have adult thoughts.... I can fend for myself, pay my own bills( now that i have a job) but I'm acting like a 12 year old with a crush. This is not how adult relationships work, friendship or otherwise... you don't hurt each other like this. You dont get drunk and nearly sleep together only to tell the person that in a year you're leaving for good, and will only see the person on holidays. I'm not a child that someone has custodial rights over. and i deserve someone that's going to take care of me. Someone that is going to love me unconditionally.
Why am i harping on the chris thing?
Because its the only part of my life not going to plan. And i don't mean MY plan, because my plan was different from this... BELIEVE ME.. but just when i think i can settle down and be happy, get in the grove of something he throws a wrench in it. He's broken and there for needs to break other things so they feel normal. I think, honestly that the reason he's not falling for me is because i don't mind that he's broken and i don't let his brokenness effect my stability...... that's a lie... i do, but i don't let it keep me away from him you know? like, I'm not running away from it. I'll be glad when school starts. It's that little bit of normal that i need to make my day work right. I really wish that they had offered classes that i needed over summer. Work is great but i need school to keep me busy.to give me something to think about, otherwise i live in my head too much. I make up worlds were everything is peachy and happy and i ignore all the bad things in life and in people and then i get my face punched in when someone comes out of nowhere and blind sides me.
My brother and his girlfriend/baby's momma are fighting. I don't know why, but I'm sure its something he did. I don't say this because shes pregers and there for CANT be wrong. i say it because it's more than likely true. He tends to fuck things up. I'm trying to be more a part of his life though. If there is going to be a baby in the house i feel like i need to be there, to help even the poor thing out. I know what its like being raised by logan, i know how you turn out.... just look at me.
anyway, i keep swinging from ok, to shitty and then to emotional wreck and then to sort of happy , I'm looking forward to swinging all the way back to normal human being soon but i refuse to not talk about it. I refuse to close my mouth and ignore my feelings, i do it too much and it's not good for anyone. The good thing is that other than my mother and this blog, I'm really only talking to the people i have issues with about it anyway, so good for me.
mom said she is proud of me, that I'm thinking straight and making good decisions. I think i am too, i sure am trying. but its hard, and painful and tiring. I kind of want a nap, i kind of want to punch something in the face. I have a lot of anger.
till next time.
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