thinking...its a good thing

• I like giving massages; everyone always said that I was good at them.

• I like collecting bits of things, buttons, wire, paper, and other odds and ends

• I wonder if I tried to be more a part of my brother and sister's lives if they would try in return to be a part of mine. (texting my brother)

• I wonder how words for one thing turn into words for another. Like "chuck" how does it mean so many different things? Its a name (short for Charles) its a verb (to throw, give up or break up a relationship with/ to touch someone playfully under the chin) Noun (the device for holding a work piece in a lathe/ a cut of beef) See what I mean? And no were in their does it say anything about it being " the method by which a woodchuck chews wood."

• Strangely enough trying to do this is very difficult. I haven’t thought about these kinds of things in years. What makes me tick? What I like and don’t like. Im not sure when I went on autopilot but trying to move back to manual it proving to be complicated and arduous.

• I'm worried about Ingram. There were some personal things that he was tying up yesterday and unfortunately his cell had a horrific pickle death the day before so now I don’t know how it went, or if he made it though alright and im honestly kind of scared. Im trying not to be because I want to think that he wouldn't do anything to harm himself, but even without the harming of himself the tasks was not exactly an easy one and it might have harmed him. Mostly I just want to know that he's alive in whatever condition that may in tale.

• I care about him FAAAAAR too much. It scared me, I want that relationship to be far more than it ever will be and here is why. He does and says things that I want who ever I end up with to do and say, Instead of asking how you feel he asks what color you are. He doesn’t go out and buy you a necklace or ring; he makes you an arrowhead or something else really neat (not that he's made ME one, but I’ve seen him do it for other people) He has no problem with appreciating a well places reference to pop culture/indie culture/ random culture. He can name title artist and year of whatever song comes on the oldies station (my mom was particularly impressed with that) He cuddles, and not in that " im trying to get in your pants way" he just curls up with you and sits there, doesn’t try to push you, im not sure he even thinks about it, he seems genuinely content to just be there. He takes a long time to warm up to people, and I see that as a good thing. When I met him, unfortunately I was ready to warm up to just about any one, but that was sort of a strange phase in my life, you can ask any other of my guy friends and they will tell you that it took FOREVER for me to even sit on a couch near them, let alone cuddled up with them, and I think that statement only applies to 3 people at the moment (on of which has had the privilege taken away) He doesn’t let the fact that he feels physically inadequate stand in his way, For example: he may not think he can take some guy at a bar that's trying to get at you, but he well dam well try. He LOVES his dog, and I think that says a lot. He's a lot closer to his family than he thinks he is, or at the very least he fakes it well, either way I think its a plus. He's a grammar Nazi, now normally that would piss me off, but he’s not CONSTANTLY a grammar Nazi, and when he does it its one of those " oh, its just Chris being Chris" sort of endearing things. Like when grandma forgets your name. He is passionate about whatever he does, good, bad or indifferent. Well I guess not indifferent, because that would be a lack of passion if anything...so yeah.

• Here is why I keep myself from him, or rather why I haven’t trying harder to be with him. He doesn't care about me, which is the obvious reason. He tends to fall for girls that he can’t get to. Girls that string him along. Strangely enough I do the same thing so threes a bit of "well fuck" for you, He drinks, not really too much, but too often.... if that makes since. If he has an alcohol problem its one that he can function with but its still a problem. My family has a very high tendency to become alcoholic, so it's something I have to be careful with. If it was drinking for to heighten the fun he is having then I would be cool with it, but its not. Not always at least.... maybe its just something he's going through, and maybe its a good thing, because it does make me think twice about the whole " me caring immensely for him" thing and like I said he doesn’t ACTUALLY capital letters like me. He doesn’t see his worth, and he is a worthwhile person. He really is, there are a lot of great things about it, as I have for mentioned, but he doesn’t see these things as good or worthy, at least I don’t think he does. He can get very over the top sometimes. I think it’s a sign of a passionate person, but it does sometimes make him blow things out of proportion. I do it too; so I don’t really count that amongst the ill characteristics, maybe I should and I should change it about myself, don’t know. He's never complemented me to my face, I don’t know that he ever complements anyone to their face, but he does it to other people. He will tell someone else how much he cares about you, but it takes a lot of effort for him to tell YOU, I think that’s partially because he doesn’t see himself as worthy of your acceptance, (maybe im blowing it out of proportion)

• All in all I can't find enough flaws in the guy to make him not worth my time as a close friend and I do kind of wish he could be more, but I do know that the flaws I have found are enough to keep me from acting TOO seriously. I've mostly decided that I’ll hang out with him, be his friend, be as close a friend as I can/ he will let me be, and hopefully he will notice these things and want to fix them. Then ill be there to help in whatever way I can. I cant help but see the shiny wonderful person under all the yuck he's gone through in his life.... it’s the person that I am.... I would never FORCE him to change, but if he wanted to, id is willing to help you know?

• Grapefruit is wonderful; those of you that disagree suck and have to palate for fruit. You probably drink sweet liquor too don’t you! Gross :p

• I don’t see the appeal of California. Maybe its because I’ve never been, but its hot, it has earth quakes and tornados and hurricanes and all that other bad stuff, its like someone went " we need a place to store all of the catastrophic weather in the world until we need it somewhere else" and another person offered California as a storage closet.

• It is very strange to me that the next time I go to Europe, there is a place that I can go where I know where everything is and who most of the people are. It’s like having a hometown... and occasionally I feel very sad that I’ve been away from my family there. Even though I cant remember their names. I miss the coop and the bus rides and the train. You know its great that I could go to Italy RIGHT NOW and are able to navigate my way around anywhere else. Its sad that I cant do that here and I’ve lived here most of my life. I can hardly get to Atlanta without directions, but I could get from Tuscany to Pompeii without a care in the world. I want to be able to do that with all of Europe and part of me is holding back from buying this house I want because I think I want to take the time out to go stay in Europe.

• The only thing I miss about high school is when me and my friends would take car rides all over the city just so we could talk. Just riding around, we never had anywhere to go we just drove. I miss that. Going to Wal-Mart because we could and then sneaking into a park to swing. I still do that, but it's mostly by myself now. Sad

• I really don’t care about the person living with me, and I don’t mean my mom. It's strange how you can think something is going to work out to be this big amazing thing for someone and then when it happens you realize what a horrible idea it was. It's not that bad, its just I find myself not caring, like, not wanting to care either, just sort of numb about the whole thing.

• I need more bookshelves, I have a lot of books, much more than a lot of people I know, and I’ve read ALL of them, but I don’t have enough book shelves. There is a set that the person living with me is using, that I built especially for me, that person is using them because they are in the room that he/she is using. But when I move out I think im taking them with me. They were annoying to make. But very VERY cool.

• I should be working out.... I think im gonna go do that....and I think that I like typing all my thoughts out, maybe ill keep a notebook handy so I can write stuff down while im not at the computer.